Lifestyle

Toxic friends complicate your life.  These people are more than a nuisance, they’re parasitic.  Precious time slips away as you deal with their negativity; and you’re left wondering why you feel so despondent.  If you’re ready to simplify your life, you can’t condone these toxic friendships any longer.

What Toxic Friends Do

1. They drain you. – You feel psychologically and emotionally depleted after spending time with them, instead of uplifted.  (Read Emotional Blackmail.)
2. They are unsupportive. – You’re afraid to tell them about new, important aspects of your life because they’ve been unsupportive or downright rude about your ideas in the past.
3. They are up to no good. – They regularly partake in activities that are morally unjust.
4. Their values and interests are opposite to your own. – Dissimilar value systems often mix like oil and water.  This doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is wrong, it just means they aren’t right for you.
5. They are unreliable. – They always break their promises.
6. They only contact you when they need something. – Otherwise you never hear from them.
7. They aren’t meeting you halfway. – If you are always the one calling your friend to make plans and going out of your way to be with them, but they never return the favor and attempt to go out of her way for you, there’s a problem.
8. They are jealous of you. – Jealousy is:  “I want what you have and I want to take it away from you.”
9. They have zero ambition. – Beware; a lack of ambition can be contagious.  As the saying goes, “You can’t soar like an eagle when you hang out with turkeys.”
10. They constantly drive you to moments of insanity. – You catch yourself daydreaming about how good it would feel to throw a banana cream pie in their face. 

My Story of Toxicity

Here’s why I know how bad these friendships can be:  I’ve been on both sides of the court.  Yeah, I have my share of victim stories about friends who were friends only if I agreed with them and gave them the spotlight.  I’ve got tales of woe about past friends who were fabulous and fun, provided I didn’t try to cut into their time by (gasp!) spending time alone and having other friendships.  (You know, having a life outside of them?)

But the truth is I’ve also been a terrible friend at times, and I realize this.  In the past I have neglected some friendships by relying on the other person to stay in touch instead of reaching out myself.  Some of these friendships withered away over time because of my toxic behavior.  Bottom line:  Toxicity is a two-way street – you have to be a good friend too.  (Hold this thought; we’ll come back to it.)

How to End a Toxic Friendship

In my experience there are two ways to end a toxic friendship:  quickly and painfully or slowly and awkwardly.  Neither is fun, neither is neat, and neither is easy.

If you still want to keep this person in your life, just to a lesser degree:

1. Stop responding to fake crisis calls. – If you don’t drop everything to take their “I’m so devastated!  My boss gave me a look that I think means he secretly hates me and that jerk from marketing wore the same shirt as me” calls, they’ll find someone else who will.  Or they’ll deal with it.  Either way, it’s okay to step back and get off the first alert calling list for non-emergencies.
2. Take positive control of negative conversations. – It’s okay to change the topic, talk about you, or steer conversations away from pity parties and self-absorbed sagas.  Be willing to disagree with them and deal with the consequences.
3. Demonstrate that you won’t be insulted or belittled. – To be honest, I’ve never had much luck trying to call toxic people out when they’ve insulted me.  The best response I’ve gotten is, “I’m sorry you took what I said so personally.”  Much more effective has been ending conversations with sickening sweetness or just plain abruptness.  The message is clear:  There is no reward for subtle digs and no games will be played at your end.  (Read In Sheep’s Clothing.)
4. Be brutally honest. – Some people really don’t recognize their own toxic tendencies or their inconsiderate behavior.  You can actually tell a person, “I feel like you ignore me until you need something.”  You can also be honest if their overly negative attitude is what’s driving you away:  “I’m trying to focus on positive things.  What’s something good that we can talk about?”  It may work and it may not, but your honesty will ensure that any friendship that continues forward is built on mutually beneficial ground.

If you just want to completely end your relationship with the person in question:

1. Stop taking their calls completely. – If you’re stuck seeing them on a regular basis, like a coworker, keep things on a purely professional level.  Find a reason to leave and excuse yourself as needed.  It’s passive aggressive to expect avoidance to handle the problem, but it’s an important component.  You can’t cut ties if you still chat on a regular basis.
2. Firmly tell them you’ve had enough. – If you’ve decided it’s time to cut a truly toxic influence out of your life, you can let them know honestly (without being cruel).  “I just can’t be friends with you right now” isn’t fun to hear, but it has the benefit of putting everybody on the same page.
3. Make new friends worth having. – Seriously!  Give your time to friends you connect with and enjoy.  The long shadows of toxic friends shrink considerably when you’ve got better things to do with your time than worry about their negativity.

Finally, Be a Good Friend

It doesn’t help to cut toxic friends out of your life if you’re not ready to foster quality friendships.  On occasion, you may find that the toxicity of a friendship drains away when you start being a better friend yourself.  Honestly, I’m not trying to preach; this is something I’m working on in my life.

Make that first call, offer a genuine compliment, schedule a fun outing with another person in mind, send that ridiculously funny card for no real reason – there are tons of ways to nurture your friendships.  When you’re surrounded by good friends and good intentions, it’s amazing how pettiness and toxicity simply evaporates.  (I’ve written about this extensively in the relationships chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

The floor is yours:

What are your experiences with toxic friendships?  How can we better recognize them?  What else can we do about it?  Please share your thoughts in the comments, and of course, play nice. 

Photo by: Paolo Marconi

Be true to your values.  Be honest.  Do your best.  Do things that bring you closer to your dreams.  Take care of yourself, your family, and your friends.  Treat people with respect.  Be the person that makes others feel special.  Be known for your kindness and honesty.

In other words, invest love into your life.  Because when you love life, life will love you back.  And there’s no attraction greater than love.  People will notice the goodness surrounding you, and they will be naturally attracted to you.

1. Do the right thing. – Never be afraid to do what you know in your heart is right, especially if the well being of another person’s feelings is at stake. There is no punishment in the world more severe than the wounds we inflict on our soul when we do what we know is wrong.
2. Stop the gossip and superficial judgments. – Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, and small minds gossip about people.  Life is much too short to be lived talking about people, gossiping, and stirring up trouble that has no substance.  If you don’t understand someone, ask questions.  If you don’t agree with them, tell them.  But don’t judge them behind their back to everyone else.  Read The Mastery of Love.
3. Lift others up. – If you want to lift yourself up, lift someone else up.  To be happy and free is not merely to cast off one’s chains, but to live in a way that respects and enhances the happiness and freedom of others.  When you put faith, hope, and love together, you can nurture positive ideas, relationships, and dreams in a negative world.
4. Give words of encouragement to those in need. – A word of encouragement during a failure is worth more than an hour of praise after success.  We all hit a time when we lose hope and need someone to put their arms around us and say, “I’ve got you right now.  You are not facing this alone.”  Be that person when you can.
5. Be positive. – Think positively; speak properly; apologize rapidly; forgive quickly.  Evolve your being and inspire yourself and others.  Say it out loud, “I am sorry negativity, I have no time for you.  I have far too many positive things to do.”
6. Embrace your uniqueness. – If you don’t embrace your uniqueness, you will spend your entire life striving to conform to the impossibility of being someone else.  By celebrating what makes you different, rather than wasting time trying to be the same, you will discover your unique gifts that nobody else in the world has.
7. Do things for fun and passion. – When you stop doing things for fun and passion, you stop living and you start merely existing.  If you truly want to change your life, you must first change your mind and your actions.  Once you are ready to truly devote your time and energy to what calls to your soul, you will find your life unimaginably enriched.  Read The 4-Hour Workweek.
8. Be gentle. – When you least expect it, something great will come along – something better than you ever planned for.  Mother Nature opens millions of flowers every day without forcing the buds.  Let this be a reminder not to force anything, but to simply give beautiful things enough love and an opportunity to grow naturally.
9. Drop the need to always be right. – Someone else doesn’t have to be wrong for you to be right.  There are many roads to what’s right.  You cannot judge others by your own past.  They are living a different life than you.  Express your opinions freely and politely, remembering that if your purpose is to ridicule or prove others are wrong, it will only bring bitterness into the world.  Respecting the opinion of others, without judging, always carries more weight than simply being right.
10. Be loyal.  Be honest. – You can’t promise to love someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely love them for the rest of yours.  When it comes to relationships, remaining faithful is never an option, but a priority.  Loyalty and honest affection mean everything.
11. Be flexible and keep an open mind. – What looks like an obstacle or road block is oftentimes just life steering you in a better direction.  Be flexible and keep an open mind to all the changes that are forcing you to grow, and helping you better align yourself with your vibration and purpose.
12. Believe in yourself and all that you are. – Know in your heart that there is strength inside you that is greater than the challenges you face.  No one can do it for you – you have to choose to use your wings.
13. Believe in your dreams. – Who you hope to be someday is already a big part of who you are now.  Your dreams are real.  They do not exist in the past; they live in the present, and when you stay committed to doing what needs to be done, you carry them closer to reality as you walk through the gates of tomorrow.
14. Walk the talk. – You can make whatever you want out of your life, but first you have to not be afraid to try.  We all have to start with ourselves.  It is time to walk the talk.  Take the journey of making the difficult decisions and taking action.  Start removing things from your life that are taking away your happiness, and start adding things that bring joy in to your life.  Read Psycho-Cybernetics.
15. Embrace the possibilities of tomorrow. – Don’t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be part of who you will become.  No regrets.  No looking back.  Just hold onto life and move forward.  We have no way of knowing what lies ahead, but that’s what makes the journey even more exciting – that’s what makes life worth living.

Photo by: Lina Hayes

This post has moved to HERE:

9 Signs You May Actually Rest in Peace Someday (With No Regrets)

Photo by: iko

The memories of a man in his old age are the deeds of a man in his prime.
– Pink Floyd

Today is a perfect day to make lasting memories – the kind you may someday share with your grandchildren.  Here’s how:

1. Try something totally new. – Variety truly is the spice of life.  You can see or do something a million times, but you can only see or do it for the first time once.  As a result, first time experiences usually leave a reflective mark in our minds for the rest of our lives.  So spice it up!
2. Entertain yourself with real-world experiences. – Great memories are the product of interesting life experiences.  So turn off the television (or the computer) and get outdoors.  Interact with the world, appreciate nature, take notice of the simple pleasures life has to offer, and just watch as life unfolds in front of you.  (Read 1001 Things To Do If You Dare.)
3. Work on something that’s meaningful to you. – Engage yourself in a meaningful personal project.  Or pull the trigger on doing something you’ve wanted to do for a long time, but haven’t yet had the resolve to do.  Life is short.  Today is the day to take action.
4. Challenge your mind and body. – Learn a new skill.  Be creative.  Build something from the ground up, no matter how small.  Run farther than you’ve ever run before.  Push yourself to the limits!
5. Concentrate on less, but give it your best. – Slow down.  Pay close attention to what you’re doing.  Don’t waste time juggling forgettable tasks.  Instead, concentrate on a few things that really matter.  Engage fully in this day.
6. Say “yes” to a spontaneous opportunity. – Everything in life can’t be planned.  Some of the greatest opportunities will knock on your door when you least expect them to.  Be flexible, be spontaneous, and just say “yes.”
7. Complete an important piece of unfinished business. – Today is a perfect day to finish what you started.  Few feelings are more satisfying than the one you get after an old burden has been lifted off of your shoulders.
8. Document your day. – Take lots of pictures.  Keep a journal.  Document your day so you can review it in the future.  Many moons from now, these old photos and journal entries will ignite your recollection of great memories from the past.
9. Smile and notice what’s right. – Everything that happens in life is neither good nor bad.  It just depends on your perspective.  And no matter how it turns out, it always ends up just the way it should.  Either you succeed or you learn something.  So stay positive, appreciate the pleasant outcomes, and learn from the rest.  (Read How Full Is Your Bucket?)
10. Be authentic.  Be true to yourself. – Judy Garland once said, “Always be a first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of somebody else.”  Live by this statement.  There is no such thing as living a good day in someone else’s shoes.  The only shoes you can occupy are your own.  If you aren’t being yourself, you aren’t truly living… you’re merely existing.  And no day spent in a phony state of mere existence will ever be memorable or worthwhile.
11. Assist someone in need. – In life, you get what you put in.  When you make a positive impact in someone else’s life, you also make a positive impact in your own life.  Do something that’s greater than you, something that helps someone else to be happy or to suffer less.  I promise, it will be an extremely rewarding experience.  One you’ll likely remember forever.
12. Take part in something you believe in. – This could be anything.  Some people take an active role in their city council, some find refuge in religious faith, some join social clubs supporting causes they believe in and others find passion in their careers.  In each case the psychological outcome is the same.  They engage themselves in something they strongly believe in.  This engagement brings happiness and meaning into their lives.
13. Share time with a good friend and experience life together. – There are few things more satisfying than recounting the greatest moments of your life with your closest friends who lived these moments alongside you.
14. Make a new friend. – People are interesting creatures, and no two people are exactly alike.  So meet someone new today.  Find out what makes them tick.  They’ll likely open your eyes to fascinating ideas and perspectives.  And you never know, they just might change your life.
15. Do something fun and laugh it up. – Some of the most memorable moments in your life will be moments spent in laughter.  (Read This Book Will Change Your Life.)
16. Spend quality time with children. – Children live by their instincts openly and without hesitation.  They are enthusiastic about life, eager to learn, and curious about everything.  Watch how they play, how they live, how they create, how they ask questions.  Play with them.  If you have some of your own, great.  If not, play with a child you care about.  Lose yourself in the play.  Be a dinosaur, or a gorilla, or a superhero.  Make them squeal in delight, and feel free to do the same.  If you don’t play with children often, I guarantee it will be a memorable experience.
17. Forgive someone and reconnect with them. – Grudges are a perfect waste of happiness.  If there’s someone in your life who deserves another chance, give it to them.  If you need to apologize, do it.  Give your story together a happy ending.
18. Do something you’ve always wanted to do. – Take a small dream and make it a reality.
19. Act like today is already an awesome day. – Do so, and it will be.  Research shows that although we think that we act because of the way we feel, in fact, we often feel because of the way we act.  A great attitude always leads to great experiences.
20. Be present.  Be here now. – I purposely left this bullet for last because it perfectly encompasses all of my previous points.  Don’t let your life slip by.  Instead of dwelling on the past, or worrying about the future, just practice being and living in the ‘now.’  Remember, right now is the only moment guaranteed to you.  Right now is life.  Don’t miss it.

Go now and make today unforgettable!

Photo by: Chimper

“There’s a saying in Tibetan philosophy, “Tragedy should be used as a source of strength.”  My grandmother always repeated this line to me when I was growing up.  Every time I dealt with some kind of adversity, she would graciously remind me that my current struggles were helping me grow stronger.

Sometimes, though, in the midst of chaotic stress and hardship, it’s almost impossible to maintain such a positive perspective.  That’s where the five reminders below come into play.  I review them from time to time to remind myself that my struggles are giving me an opportunity to grow, and to use what I’ve learned to make a positive difference.  Today, I pass them on to you in hopes that they help you find some extra inner strength and peace when you need it most.

1.  Your troubles are gradually improving you.

“You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated.  In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it.”
?Maya Angelou

Someday when you least expect it life will blindside you with necessary chaos.  And once the chaos has ended, you won’t remember exactly how it all transpired, how you made it through, or where you found the strength you needed to carry on.  You won’t even be sure whether the chaos has completely ended.  But there is one thing you can be sure about:  When it does finally come to an end, you will be a much stronger person than who you were before it happened, which is precisely why it was necessary.

So let your scars remind you that you did indeed survive your deepest wounds.  This in itself is a major accomplishment.  And let them continue to bring to mind the fact that the damage life has inflicted on you has, in many ways and places, left you stronger and more resilient.  What hurt you in the past has actually made you better equipped to face the present.

2.  You are strong enough to cope with life’s necessary ups and downs.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.”
? Nelson Mandela

Although it may be hard to see, the human capacity for pain and hardship is like bamboo – far more flexible than you would ever believe at first glance.

Sadly, we are often taught at an early age that all pain is evil and harmful.  Yet, how can we ever deal with real life and true love if we’re afraid to feel what we really feel?  We need to feel pain, just as we need to feel alive and loved.  Pain is meant to wake us up.  Yet we try to hide our pain.  Realize this.  Pain is something to carry willingly, just like good sense.  Because you can only learn how strong you are when being strong is the only choice you have.

And remember that it isn’t just the big struggles in life that require this kind of strength of character and resilience.  With the right moral support behind them, almost anybody can rise up for a short time to face a crisis or a crushing tragedy with courage, but to meet the petty troubles and unexpected hazards of each day with a laugh – that requires a strong spirit.

This is the kind of strength you should strive to develop daily.  Realize that that all of life is simply a game that you must play as skillfully and fairly as you possibly can.  If you lose a round, learn to shrug your shoulders and laugh, and do the same when you win.  (Read The Last Lecture.)

3.  Your fears only exist in your head.

“Do one thing every day that scares you.”
?Eleanor Roosevelt

Fears are thoughts, not realities.  And courage is the cure.

Can you be courageous even if you are scared to death?  Of course – in fact, that’s the only time you truly can be courageous.  Courage is not the absence of fear; it is being fearful and doing it anyway.

You must be daring enough to dare.  Taking no chances means wasting your dreams.  Yes, it will be nerve-racking at times, but don’t be afraid of your fears.  They’re not there to stop you; they’re there to let you know that your dreams are meaningful and worthy of the effort and personal growth required to achieve them.

When times are hard it can be difficult to follow your heart and take another step, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.  Although fear can feel overwhelming, and defeats more people than any other force in the world, it’s not as powerful as it seems.  Fear is only as deep as your mind allows.  You are still in control.  So take control!

The key is to acknowledge your fear and directly address it.  Fight hard to shine the light of your words upon it.  Because if you don’t, if your fear becomes a wordless, obscure darkness that you avoid, and perhaps even manage to briefly forget, you open yourself to future attacks from fear when you least expect it.  Because you never truly faced the opponent who defeated you.  (Read Daring Greatly.)

4.  You are in control of your present thoughts, actions, and reactions.

“You have power over your mind, not outside events.
Realize this, and you will find strength.”
?Marcus Aurelius

What you might think of as your destiny is really just your circumstances, and these circumstances can be modified.  Understanding that you are fully responsible and in control of your circumstances through your actions and attitude is crucial.  This realization does not need to be a discouraging either, because it simply means you are free to make changes as you see fit.

Regardless of what has happened in your life, you are not chained to the past.  It may have shaped your feelings toward yourself, your abilities, and what seems possible based on your background, but all of this can be modified if you are willing to examine how the past has shaped your present thinking.  In other words, you can change your life by changing your thoughts, provided you have the courage to dissect the origins that created them.

So do not let the pain of a situation make you hopeless.  Do not let negativity wear off on you.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.  Even though others may disagree with you, take pride in the fact that you still know the world to be an amazing place.  Carry on accordingly.

5.  YOU are worthy of YOUR love, attention, and respect.

“To say ‘I love you’ one must know first how to say the ‘I.’”
?Ayn Rand

Love is the force of life.  Where there is love inside you, there is life inside you.

When you are unsure and unwilling, you pull back from life.  When you are loving and accepting, you open yourself to all the greatness life has to offer.  You need to learn to love yourself first, with all your eccentricity and imperfections.  If you can’t open your heart and mind to yourself, you can’t possibly open them to love others or any passions buried inside you.

When self-love is present, you can take risks and experience curiosities, astonishments, sudden joy, or any occurrence that reveals the beauty of your growing spirit.  Even if things don’t turn out as planned, you still have a foundation of love and acceptance within you to fall back on.  Because when you continue to love yourself even when it hurts, eventually there will be no more hurt, only more love.

So remember…

Too many people overvalue what they are NOT and undervalue what they are.  Don’t be one of them.

Self-respect, self-worth, and self-love.  There’s a reason they all start with “self.”  You can’t receive them from anyone else.  (Angel and I discuss this in detail in the “Self-Love” chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)

Closing Thoughts

“Tough times don’t last – tough people do.”  Repeat this to yourself as often as you need to.

From every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story – a story that says, “I learned and I survived.”  There are moments when troubles enter your life and you can do nothing to avoid them, but they are there for a reason.  Only when you have overcome them will you understand why they were there.  So be brave and press forward.  You will not see the light at the end of the tunnel until you walk through the darkness.

Your turn…

What would you add to the list?  What little reminders (wisdom, quotes, lyrics, etc.) do you review to find inner strength and peace in times of grief?  Leave a comment below and share your thoughts and insights?